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The Complex Contradiction

He breaks my heart, he really does…

My perspective.

I am a female, 5’8 weighing 140lbs. I was born with a fast metabolism and in appearance I am slim, not big breasted and don’t really have much of a back side either. But when I look in the mirror, I see different. 

Why is it that what I see and feel doesn’t add up to what others see? I am not completely sure. I constantly say the worst to myself because of this body dysmorphic disorder, but I myself have learned, at times, to just ignore what is right in front of me; my perspective. 

But tonight I could not. Especially when he pointed out the fact that I was eating my food too fastens that I should “chew my food”. I raced to the room and broke down crying. I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable eating in front of him again. 

I need to learn…

I need to love myself. 

That guy. 

And in one night I told him everything. He knew my secrets, my hurts, my life. After everything we shared he laid a kiss upon me… And with that kiss, he took a piece of my heart- forever. 

When mythology becomes reality.

I am not like everyone else. I try and be, but it’s getting harder and harder. I have this odd connection to nature and am drawn to crystals and gemstones, able to sense their energy. I can read people and can feel auras quite strongly. There are these intense moments where I feel so much power within me that I cannot seem to release. I think there are more like me out there, I just need to find someone… Someone to help guide me, someone to relate to. 

When mythology becomes reality, what am I? 

The sad truth.

Sometimes it takes something really painful to occur in life, so that we can finally see the world for what it really is; a lie. 

The obvious sign, or the hopeful lie? 

Here I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling. It had been at least three months since we last “did the deed” and had just about any type of physical contact with each other. Now we had moved into this new apartment and finally ended my dry spell. 

You would think this would be a good thing, you know? Having amazing sex in your now private living space; I mean what more can a girl like me want at this point? Except maybe- love. 

You know that moment when you’re having sex with your partner and in the middle of it they might randomly say “I love you” and that throws you and the moment off immediately? Or maybe this is just me, but it was then that I realized that my feelings for him are no more. 

A part of me does not want to believe it, but it was true. I had began seeing him more like a friend than an actual boyfriend and even he himself told me that he had caught me checking out girls, so why are we still together? 

On the social aspect of life I seem to be on a complete separate level than him, and this frustrates me to the max. Could it be that we are just two completely different people now? Could it be that our once “head over heels” love is now gone forever? 

Insecure and dead on the inside. 

Could I honestly be mad at myself because of my constant insecurities? I mean I had them as long as I could remember, and it was now that I began hating myself for them. 

I now had a boyfriend of ten months and hated myself more than ever. I’m not the classic big breasted and all around well endowed woman. I am slim; which sadly in this society would be labeled as “unattractive” for most guys. 

I awoke from a dream last night about him cheating on me. Again. Somehow, I couldn’t find my insecurities letting up. I walk down a hall on this school that we are visiting and he can’t help but blush due to another girl in scrubs walking right in front of us. 

Me being a lesbian, I understood. She really did have a nice body- no doubt about it. But me being a girlfriend… It killed me inside just to see for that moment: someone else catch his eye. 

This being added on to my bipolar disorder and depression, gives me the feeling of pure death on the inside. 

A small, yet defining gesture.

Sitting in the plastic tub of my now empty bedroom, I couldn’t help but allow my mind to wander off into its nothingness of life. The nothingness that put me here in the first place, and the nothingness that shoved me into predicaments in the long run. I was disappointed, and lonely based on the lack of romance in my life. 

No one said being in a relationship with a male would be easy; in fact no one said being in a relationship would. But I couldn’t help wondering why a simple gesture still could not be made. I had been through four serious, and rather decent relationships, with still no romance. 

I honestly, being a woman, wanted something simple. A gesture that in that moment; meant the world to not just me, but the person I was involved with. Still nothing. No random flowers just to show love, no random chocolates, or letters. No random anything. Just a plain pair of people, with no sparks or surprises. 

So what can I say? Me being the hopeless romantic I am, I wanted one thing; a necklace. 

I wanted this necklace so that I could wear it everyday, and in that moment, mean something to him and not only to me. I thirsted for meaning, love, and thought to be put into an object so that I could not only feel special in that moment, but feel special every day I had the chance to actually look at it. To hold it. 

I needed that. 

Into the darkness. 

I look into the darkness and see nothing but that; darkness. I press my hand against my heart and let out a breath of cold air. As cold as my heart. 

I could feel every ounce of me dropping. My air being deprived of me, my life taking the wheel to steer me, and then there’s nothing. Nothing but the darkness of the context around me and the iciness that is my heart. Why. 

Suddenly I am throw again into a multitude of flashbacks of my past: my family verbally abusing me, my peers bullying me, and my ex sexually harassing me. And then nothing. 

I felt my arms wrap around my body as I was now stripped naked and colder than ever. I heard voices in the distance moving closer: 

“You look retarded!” 

“Oh c’mon you know you want to! Just once.” 

“You are the weakest link in this whole family.” 

“You don’t even have an ass or boobs!” 

“Oh wow I feel sorry for your boyfriend.” 

“You’re a brat.” 

“Bitch.” 

“You’ll like the way it feels, just let me.” 

“You’ll never amount to anything.” 

“You’re going to end up pregnant.” 

“Just trust me.” 

“I never loved you.” 

No, no, NO!  I opened my eyes. Darkness. But what lay beside me; a blanket. I quickly grabbed it and pulled it over my body, crying. I felt bruises on my ribs and cuts on my arms. Why me?

Someone once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” 

Complete and utter lies.  

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